She died, and I was left
alone--a woman; beautiful if you will, and, as the world supposed,
heiress to a large fortune; for none knew how entirely the wealth which
should have been mine had melted away in those nights of dissipation
and folly. People knew that my father played, and played desperately;
but few knew the extent of his losses. After my mother's death, my
father insisted on my doing the honours of his house. I received his
friends; I stood by his chair as he played _ecarte_, or sat by his side
and noted the progress of the game at the _rouge et noir_ table. Then
first I felt the fatal passion which I can but believe to be a taint in
my very blood. Slowly and gradually the fascinating vice assumed its
horrible mastery. I watched the progress of the play. I learned to
understand that science which was the one all-absorbing pursuit of
those around me. Then I played myself, first taking a hand at _ecarte_
with some of the younger guests, half in sport, and then venturing a
small golden coin at the _rouge et noir_ table, while my admirers
praised my daring, as if I had been some capricious child. In those
assemblies I was always the only woman, except Matilda Brewer, who was
then my governess. My father would have no female guests at these
nightly orgies. The presence of women would have been a hindrance to
the delights of the gaming-table.
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