Do say
what you feel, Miss Loring. Mr. Clifden can lunch with the
officers at Nowshera and come any time. I know I am an atrocity."
There could be only one answer, though Vanna and I knew perfectly
well the crafty design of the driver to spare himself work. Mrs.
Delany remained brightly awake for the run home, and favored us
with many remarkable views on India and its shortcomings, Vanna,
who had a sincere liking for her, laughing with delight at her
description of a visit of condolence with Lady Meryon to the five
widows of one of the hill Rajas.
But I own I was pre-occupied. I knew those moments at the
monastery had given me a glimpse into the wonderland of her soul
that made me long for more. It was rapidly becoming clear to me
that unless my intentions developed on very different lines I
must flee Peshawar. For love is born of sympathy, and sympathy
was strengthening daily, but for love I had no courage yet.
I feared it as men fear the unknown. I despised myself - but I
feared. I will confess my egregious folly and vanity - I had no
doubt as to her reception of my offer if I should make it, but
possessed by a colossal selfishness, I thought only of myself,
and from that point of view could not decide how I stood to lose
or gain.
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