At length, however, my strength gave way entirely and I felt that the
time had arrived when I must come face to face with the God whom I had
been taught to believe in from infancy according to the Christian faith.
Then it seemed that a million thoughts crowded themselves into my brain
at the same time.
How would He receive me? What dire judgment would He pass upon me? Had I
ever done anything to merit His pleasure? I could not recollect one good
deed I had ever accomplished of sufficient importance to call to His
attention, but on the contrary I recalled a thousand bad acts I should
not have committed. I had spent a roving, aimless existence in which I
had done practically nothing to increase the production or knowledge of
the world, I had lived for myself alone--a life of mere pleasure
seeking, without ever a thought of others' rights or happiness. I
remembered that during a hunting expedition in Africa how I had once
shot and killed seventeen spring-bok in one day, and how I had swelled
up with conceit to know that I had destroyed the lives of that many
living things. True, they were not human beings, but were they not
creatures of nature as well as myself? What right had I to take the life
of any living thing at all, let alone for mere pleasure? What excuse
could I now offer if tried for that cowardly offence? Would I ask God's
forgiveness? If so, would it be any better to ask Him to forgive me just
before I died or immediately afterward? What difference would it make?
Then again I wondered if God would have any more respect for me if after
committing the deed I whined and begged for mercy.
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